2 AM Coffee
by Dee474
Summary: Miral's birth inspires Tom to do some deep thinking about a forbidden subject.


**2 am Coffee**

Disclaimer. I do not own Paramount. Consequently, I have only borrowed the characters and the setting. No copyright intended. Only the storyline is mine.

AN: Okay, so I've had a mental block with my other two saga's.

I thought that an effective way to get the muse rolling again would be to write something fun and short. Only, apparently, I can't do fun and totally short.

This was originally supposed to be in response to a challenge I found that Cheshire Cheese posted (years ago apparently, but I've only recently just found it)

However it kind of morphed into a short story of its own and went into another direction, so I won't distract you with details of the original challenge.

It's meant to be canon friendly, and fits into the timeline where endgame didn't happen. I've only just written it today so it's also unbeta'd.

Miral's birth inspires Tom to do some deep thinking about a forbidden subject.

 **Chapter one.**

Tom Paris stared down in awe at his new little girl. She was absolutely perfect. He couldn't get enough of watching her and holding her. But what shocked him the most was how complete, how comfortable and how fulfilled he felt holding her. This tiny little bundle of joy made him feel whole in a way that he had never experienced before.

For most of his life he had been pushing against the expectations and the chains of responsibility that his father had tried to force on him. Especially after Caldik Prime. The thought of anyone relying on him -for anything - had been anathema. He had run from responsibility and everything to do with it; especially women. He had truly cared for many of his ex-girlfriends. The problem was, every time they started making noises that implied serious, or forever, he had unconsciously started to sabotage the relationship. Until B'Elanna. Even then, it had taken him several false starts to get it right.

Two hours later, Tom was still staring in wonder at his little girl. Miral Kathryn Paris was just so perfect and beautiful.

A further minute later, Miral stirred, let out a yawn, opened her eyes…and screamed very loudly. Then she started crying. And she kept crying. Right up to the point where her mother finally woke up and started feeding her.

For Tom, this was his cue. Kissing the two loves of his life goodbye, he headed out of sickbay and back to their quarters.

As he showered and got ready for bed, Tom pondered his life and all the choices that had brought him to this point.

 **Ch. 2**

Three hours later and Tom was still tossing and turning in the bed. Getting up, he slipped on some running clothes.

He missed B'Elanna.

And Miral.

He closed his eyes remembering how it felt to hold his precious new daughter in his arms. He'd promised her, as he was holding her, that he was going to be the best daddy he knew how to be.

It was a promise he meant.

So, okay, he was feeling a little. … well, perhaps worried was too strong a word.

He was concerned.

Make that slightly concerned.

He didn't want to screw this up.

It's not like his father had been a wonderful role model. Only, for once, he had to be honest with himself and admit that his fantastic upbringing wasn't the issue. _The issue is my less than brilliant track record, so far._ He scowled. He was not going there. No way.

 _Perhaps a short run around the ship will help me sleep_. He grinned to himself. He knew the perfect route to take. At some time during the night he had found himself laughing over the time, back at the beginning of the journey, when Tuvok had made Dalby and some of the Maquis do a torturous run through the ship. He'd laughingly 'sympathized' over the incident with Harry at the time. But the truth was, for the son of one of Academy's hardest survival trainers, it was more of a walk in the park.

And it was the perfect way to bring his body into a state of mind-numbing exhaustion.

 **Chapter three.**

Tom heaved himself back into his bed. He was obviously more out of shape than he thought, since he'd only managed two laps of the darned circuit. Sure, he was physically exhausted.

The same, however, could not be said of his brain.

Tom squirmed uncomfortably as his brain once more forced him to confront some thoughts that he usually avoided like the plague. He sighed. It was obviously time.

Time to face his demons on the subject and think about his 'other' children; to finally get rid of the emotional baggage and put the issue to rest once and for all.

Getting up, he grabbed himself a bowl of tomato soup, a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of coke. He knew that he would need a serious serving of comfort food to get through the following d and m session with himself.

The first spoon of soup was quickly followed by another, and another. Before long the entire meal had been consumed. Tom sat back with a satisfied sigh, fully appreciative of the unexpected gift that had been waiting for him. _Thanks again, Joe._

Joe. Tom sighed. It was standard procedure on Voyager to keep an active and up to date will. Apparently, Joe had stated in his will that if he died any rations in his account would go to Tom at the birth of his daughter. And he knew exactly why Joe had done it.

It had been shortly after the Warp 10 incident.

 **Chapter four**

 **A week after the warp 10 incident.**

It was two o'clock in the morning. And he couldn't sleep. Again.

He looked through the rearview mirror in the direction that they had come from. His children were back there. His children. And he had abandoned them.

 _Well technically it's Chakotay and Tuvok, with a little help from the Captain, that abandoned them._

Curling a fist, he slammed it into the bulkhead.

"Hey, what did that poor bulkhead ever do to you?"

Tom stiffened, ready to face the newest round of taunts. Not everyone accepted his presence on Voyager, even now. And the damned Warp 10 incident had just given those crew members new fodder to play with.

He turned around. To his surprise Joe Carey stood there, two steaming coffees in his hands. The engineer smiled. "You look like you need a shoulder to lean on. Want to talk about it."

Tom took the coffee but attempted to deflect the query. "Nothing serious, But what about you? What are you doing having coffee at this time of the morning"

"Gamma Shift. Lunch break." Joe Carey's voice was laconic and succinct. But his eyes were narrowed and assessing. "And don't bother with the bull, Paris. A guy like you doesn't punch bulkhead's on account of something that's not that serious. Look, I know how to be discreet, okay. This won't go anywhere except between us. Is it the warp 10 thing?" He paused before continuing softly. "I'm guessing it's those lizard babies I've been hearing rumours about."

Tom's mouth hardened, and his voice was cool. "Not quite sure what any of that has to do with you, Lieutenant." He put the cup on the nearby table. "Thanks for the coffee."

Joe's arm reached out to restrain the pilot. "Paris. Tom. Wait. I'm trying to help you, man. I am. I understand."

"Yeah, sure you do. You, with your wife and two boys waiting for you back when we get home."

Joe winced as Tom's arrow hit home. But he persevered. "That's right, Tom. My wife and two kids. That's how come I understand."

"Right." Tom said sarcastically. He shook off the offending hand and started walking away.

"We didn't get married straight away, Tom."

Tom ignored him and continued walking.

"Yeah, go ahead, Tom. Walk away. That's what I did. And it almost cost me the best thing that ever happened to me."

Joe's words penetrated as Tom reached the doorway. He paused. _How much will it hurt to listen? It's not like people aren't already teasing me. How much worse could it get?_

He walked back and sat down at a table near the Lieutenant. "You've got ten minutes, Carey."

Joe grinned at him, "Actually, it's more like eight. Gamma shift, remember."

 **Chapter Five.**

 **A week after return to Voyager after the Investigations incident**

Tom grabbed a couple of coffees and wandered over to sit with Joe Carey. It was two o'clock in the morning and there was not another soul around. Which was the point. And why they were sitting in one of the least used public sections of Voyager. This was one apology that Tom didn't want to do publicly.

"Thanks for coming, Joe."

Joe nodded. "No problems, Tom. It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back. I owe you an apology."

Joe lifted an eyebrow, Vulcan style. "Do you?"

"Yeah, I do. Because of all that shit I dumped on you about my lizard kids. I needed an excuse to justify my leaving Voyager, and my behaviour. One that you'd find believable."

"Uh huh. Just a believable excuse. You didn't mean any of it."

"Well, no."

Joe laughed. "Come on, Tom. How long have we been doing this? You meant it. Okay, so you wouldn't have talked to me about it, the first time, let alone any other time, if it wasn't for the Captain's plan to smoke out the traitor. Too bad. You meant it. And we both know it, even if you can't admit it."

Joe drained his coffee.

"Let's be real, for a minute here, Tom."

Joe leaned forward. Despite the anonymity of the empty room, he had no plans for anyone else to hear what he had to say.

"That's the true reason you hit Chakotay, wasn't it? Admit it. It had nothing to do with needing a reason to leave voyager. You've been angry at Chakotay ever since he chose to leave your kid's behind on the swamp planet. That's why you targeted him for the 'project'. The captain's plan just gave you the excuse to do it."

Tom looked away, refusing to answer.

"Come on, Tom. You must have realised by now that what you told me hasn't gone anywhere. I gave you my word on that. That didn't change just because you were no longer hear. We're friends. Aren't we?"

Tom breath whooshed out. He looked back at Joe. "You're crazy, you know. I'm not exactly a good luck charm. Or the kind of friend a solid Starfleet career officer like you needs. This project didn't exactly make me popular, no matter what the Captain thinks to the contrary."

"Yeah, and that stunt you pulled on Neelix's show didn't help either. Way to sabotage yourself, Tom. Again."

Tom grimaced ruefully. "Yeah, I'm good at that. Look, I gotta go. I promised Harry, I'd play a game of pool in the holodeck."

Tom placed his empty cup on the table, and moved quickly to the door. "See you around, Joe."

Joe watched at Tom quickly left the room. "Yeah, sure Tom. I'll see you around. But I'm guessing only if you don't see me coming, first."

 **Chapter 6**

Back in the present, Tom walked into his closet. He rummaged around the back before pulling out a padd. He turned it on and started reading.

Dear Tom,

I guess, if you're reading this, then I'm not here to talk to you in person.

I'm so sorry.

Over the years, we have had some great times, not talking about our individual issues, over those 2 am coffees.

I was really looking forward to celebrating Miral's birth with you. (Don't worry, B'Elanna doesn't know that I know that her name is going to be Miral).

Remember that time, you showed her image off to me in the hololab. I know she's beautiful. You must be so proud right now.

I wish I was there to help you celebrate. I remember what it was like when my boys were born. How amazed and in awe I felt, that I had had a part in creating such a beautiful miracle.

All the fuss over the mother and the babies. (Rightly so, of course) But somehow, we men end up getting the short end of the stick with regards to attention and presents.

But don't worry. I haven't forgotten. I've been saving some rations purely with the intention of 'celebrating' with you. Of course, it was going to be a proper celebration, the way only we Irish can do it. Only now, you'll have to do the celebrating for both of us. I've asked the captain to keep those replication rations aside for you.

And, as you know, I almost didn't have that opportunity with my own boys. But what I could never quite share, was that like you, I'd also missed out on the joys of fatherhood. I was sixteen. And stupid. Our parents didn't want our futures to be ruined. So, I was told that the situation would be taken care of. Shortly after that, my girlfriend and I broke up, and she moved to a colony planet in the Beta Quadrant. I didn't find out until afterwards that my girlfriend had decided not to take the advice of our parents and that she had given birth to twins. Of course, she felt that my acceptance of my parent's advice precluded my paternal rights. So, I have never seen or heard from them.

I'm telling you this now because I know.

No matter how wonderful it was to hold my first born, I hadn't dealt with the guilt and loss of those twins. And the anger that it was my compliance with the choices of others that led to that situation.

I didn't deal with it at Josh's birth either. And it affected everything. My marriage, and my relationship with my boys. Even though I loved them all so much.

So, I'm giving you my last bit of unwanted advice. I guess it's a good thing I'm dead, because that means you feel bad enough to read it, and not delete it, even though I know you want to.

(Right now, it is ten minutes before we leave for our first official Starfleet mission in the Delta Quadrant. While writing this, I've realised that it's time for me to take action. Maybe we can do it together when we come back.)

Of course, Tom, if you're reading this, I've missed my second chance. Take this miraculous second chance of yours for the opportunity that it is. The opportunity that I didn't take soon enough because of my baggage. You know who I'm talking about.

B'Elanna and Miral deserve all of you. It's time to deal with those demons and put them to rest. Time to fully forgive the Captain, Chakotay and Tuvok. Time to let it go, and leave it in the past where it belongs. Time to move on into the future.

You know that you can't change the past. And even if you tried Captain Braxton would be there to stop you.

So why try?

Please Tom, do it, not just for me. Do it for yourself. Do it now.

Your friend, always.

Joe

Tom turned the padd off. "Computer, is there a holodeck available?"

"Holodeck One will be available in 10 minutes" came the instant reply of the computer.

"How long will the holodeck be available for?"

"The holodeck will be available for four hours and ten minutes."

"Please book that time for Thomas Eugene Paris."

Ten minutes later, Tom entered the holodeck.

"Computer, privacy lock Paris Delta Four Seven Four."

Privacy Lock engaged.

"Computer, begin program 2am Coffee."

Around Tom, an image of Voyager's least popular public area took life.

The doors opened and Joe Carey walked in.

"Sorry, I'm late, Tom." Joe held up two bottles of Irish Whisky. "I had a little trouble getting the replicators to give me the real thing. Ready to celebrate."

Tom nodded at his friend. "Well, as ready as I'll ever be. Let's do this."


End file.
